Steffie Can't Come Out to Play by Fran Arrick


Stephanie Rudd is 14-years-old and has run away from Clairton, PA to become a model in New York. She leaves behind her mom and dad, older pregnant sister Anita, and four-year-old brother Danny. Once in Times Square, she meets a flashy man who calls himself Favor. He dresses like an insane person and shows Stephanie his fancy, and probably hideous, Cadillac. But Stephanie's 14, so she has no idea what utter garbage this dude is.

Favor takes her back to his all white apartment where he shows her his ugly jewels and is like, "All this too can be yours!" And she's like, "Wow, I'm 14, so I don't know what utter garbage this apartment is." She takes her out for a fancy steak dinner and is like, "B the b, I'm gonna need you to become a hooker to pay me back." And Stephanie is like, "Huh. Weird. I wonder why I'm suddenly VERY SICK." (Spoiler: it's because he just informed her she has to become a prostitute and that's disgusting.) Stephanie is sick for a few days. We're not really told why, but it's gotta be psychosomatic, right?

Meanwhile, two cops – veteran Yarbro and rookie Felcher – are on the "pussy posse" beat. That means hookers, not Leo Di Caprio and ... what's his face ... first Spiderman ... you know ... fuck, what is his name? My brain keeps telling me it's Topher Grace, but I know that's wrong. Oh, well. Who cares. I'm not gonna look that shit up right now. Yarbro is cool in that he's so over everything, because he doesn't hassle the hookers and respects that they're just trying to make a living. Also, his wife left him an unspecified number of years ago and now he just has a fish. Felcher is freaking out because he's new and his wife is having a second kid and honestly, he's very boring. No one cares about your second kid, Felcher.

So Stephanie is sick and Favor brings a doctor, his hooker doctor, like in Deadwood. And she's fine. It's maybe the flu or whatever, but again, it's not actually explained. And Favor's like, "Okay, but when you're well, you're hooking. And your name will be Steffie. You're welcome." So Steffie goes along with it because she's 14 and she thinks she's in love with this garbage person. They go out and he makes her approach some dude in a bar, leave to have sex with him for $25 (only $25!!!!), and then he's like, "Congrats on your first hook. As reward, I will have sex with you."

Cut to a shopping spree where he buys Steffie hideous sounding clothes that scream "I AM A 14-YEAR-OLD HOOKER PLEASE SEND HELP." And then he drops her off at his hotel where his "Main Lady" Glory is to take care of her. Glory FUCKING SUCKS and is SUPER MEAN. But she was beaten and had her own hard ass life, so whatever, but still, fuck her, have a heart, lady. There's also a hooker named Patsy. She sucks balls too. No joke meant about her profession there.

Cut to Yarbro and Felcher noticing newbie Steffie and being like, "Woof, she seems young," and DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT.

So then Steffie is sent to live with another younger hooker named Brenda, who is kind of mean, but mostly okay. And blah blah blah, hook hook hook, Glory is mean, Patsy is mean, Brenda is fine, blah blah blah, hook hook hook. And then one day Steffie is about to fuck some guy and Brenda bursts in all bloody and is like, "HELP SOMEONE CUT MY FUCKING EYE." So Steffie runs for the first help she sees, namely our shitheel friends Yarbro and Felcher.

Cut to the hospital. Brenda is going to survive. Turns out they just cut her eyelid, not her eyeball. Thank God for small favors, right? And thanks to Steffie's trusty Massachusetts license that claims she's 23 and named Margaret, she's free to go. And Yarbro and Felcher are like, "Pffft, 23 my ass." And it's like, "Uh, okay, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING RESCUE STEFFIE, HUH?" Assholes. And Felcher's like, "Hey, Yarbro, should I fuck her too?" And Yarbro's like, "No, do not fuck her." And Felcher's like, "Aw, man."

So then blah blah blah Steffie and Brenda are better friends and the other two still suck. Then one day Steffie gets nabbed by a plainclothes cop and Brenda with her when Brenda tries to help. And they're taken to jail and Steffie meets an 11-year-old hooker who also got nabbed and it's like IS ANYBODY FUCKING CHECKING ON THESE GIRLS' FUCKING AGES???? So they get out the next day and Favor is pissed that they got nabbed. And then later he believes some lie Glory made up that Steffie was throwing his name around jail, which she definitely was not doing, so he gets REALLY PISSED about that. It's bullshit. What a fucking moron. And Steffie asks if Brenda told him that lie and she's like, "Bitch, I got thrown in jail for you. Fuck off forever." And Steffie is like, "Oops, now I have no friends."

Later, Steffie gets a John who's really nice to her and just wants to talk. Steffie tells him her whole life story and he's like, "Oh, that's very sad. Here, have $300 just for talking." And it's like, UH OKAY OR YOU COULD GO TO THE AUTHORITIES BECAUSE SHE'S 14. He doesn't do this. Anyway, then Favor rewards her by buying her a teddy bear she really wants and there she is, a fucking 14-year-old hooker holding a teddy bear and still NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. Like, if you saw a hooker walking around with a teddy bear, wouldn't you be suspicious of that hooker's age and/or mental state? Anyway, one day Glory tricks Steffie into taking a John who likes dosing all his hookers by putting acid in her drink and Steffie trips the fuck out. This goes on for hours and finally in the morning, the hapless hotel desk guy, France, comes up and is like, "Oh, man. Sorry Glory tricked you like that. I brought you your teddy bear." And Steffie is like, "Oh, thank you so much I am---- OH GOD I'M TRIPPING AGAIN." France tries to hold her through it, but this shit goes on for like 12 hours.

Finally, Favor comes for her and he seems nice and caring about it, until Patsy tries grabbing Steffie's teddy bear from her arms because she's a fucking cunt. Steffie and her tussle for a bit, Favor starts freaking out because they're attracting attention, loses his temper, grabs the bear from both of them, throws it into a puddle in the street, shoves Steffie in the cab he had waiting, and slaps the shit out of her as they drive off. And like, miracle of miracles, Yarbro is finally like, "Hmmm, I think that girl might be under 18. I should probably do something."

So later, Yarbro tracks Favor down in an alley and beats the shit out of him, demanding that he release Steffie. Turns out Favor is weak as shit, doesn't fight back at all and is like, "Got it, totally, no problem." So he turns Steffie out immediately, no explanation, with no support system in place. And it's heartbreaking. So now Steffie is just wandering around in the city with no money and not allowed to hook. Like, way to go, Yarbro, have some fucking follow through you fucking idiot. Finally, she wanders back into the neighborhood and Yarbro comes across her and is like, "Hey, you can't be here. You're not allowed." And then he FINALLY thinks to give her a fucking lifesaver and is like, "Here, call this number. It's an organization called the Greenhouse. They can help you." And she's like, "Whatever. I'm broken. No one can help me." And it's like, "Hey, maybe don't wait so long to save someone next time, Yarbro."

So Steffie calls and they get her and they're very nice. They have Steffie call her mom. Her mom cries with relief. Then they're like, "Okay, next they'll come to New York to get you." And Steffie's all, "Like hell they will. They work all the time." And they're like, "Don't worry, we'll talk to them." Cut to them being like, "Okay, we talked to them. They can't come to New York to get you because they have to work. Also, your sister Anita isn't doing so great with the pregnancy." So they drive Steffie to PA and another similar organization picks her up. Then they call her Dad. And the dad tells them Anita died. OH GREAT. Steffie cannot catch a break. So Steffie comes home and everyone is sad, but then Danny runs in and he's so happy to see Steffie and it's like, UGH FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS IN THIS BOOK.

The end.